Posts
Overdosed
THE AFTER
JASON
Its been days now. 15 days&it's still very hard to believe. I close my eyes and i still see her. I see her everywhere sometimes. Sometimes, i think im going to lose it. Mom & dad think i should talk to someone... Lol, I'm not that gone yet...😢
Maybe i shouldnt have gone out drinking tonight. But God i cant sit still with myself, with my clear mind for a second because she's taken over it.
I remember the last time we were together. It was at my basement. She always loved it there; cos she could play music loud enough without disturbing anyone. She didnt talk much, just kept playing song after song_ SamSmith, Ed Sheeran, Coldplay, Alessia Cara. Not my kind of music but i let her. And when i kissed her, she didnt put up a fight. She just let me. On some level, i knew she was sad but i thought twas one of her moods. She got moody like that sometimes.
Was i too blind to have noticed that she was dealing with some -ish.
How could i have been?
What kind of boyfriend am i?
Sorry, was i?.. 💔
BRIANNA
Natasha!!! 😢😢😢
You & I have been bestfriends since before i can remember. We talked about many things: our 20th birthday, college, graduation, kid names, my pink and your black wedding. But we never talked about death and so right now, im very unsure about what im supposed to be doing.
I look at your mom and i wish i had some answers, just to give her some peace. And God knows i could use some of those answers too.
Tasha i didnt even know you were doing drugs.
What kind of bestfriend am i?
Was i?..
Remember when we were kids Tasha?? On this particular day, i was hiding from everyone cos Finn had died. I got him as a gift from my dad, my own personal gold fish. But he died and i was scared and angry. My parents searched everywhere for me but you knew where to find me. You crawled under that staircase and just sat with me. You told me you were sorry about Finn but the good news is that i still have you and you're not going anywhere. We sat there till it was dark and we got hungry...
So why did you break your promise?? Why did you leave me?? There was still so much we had to do together. How can i do those things without you? There cant be Brie&Tasha without Tasha...
I just can't miss you like this forever.
LAWRENCE
Shit...
Shit..
For fuck sake...
Tasha's dead?!!
Like how the hell did that happen??
Im not even sure how i feel...
I mean its been a few years since we parted ways but we were still kinda cool...
I just cant...
God my favourite memory of her...
We went to see a movie. It started to rain on our way back. We ran and kissed in the rain. @ some point she started to dance in the rain; i just laughed. When we finally made it home, i asked what she wanted. She said "a huge bowl of chocolate icecream". I remember her face, her voice as she said it. I laughed, sat on the couch, drew her close and whispered, "only my girlfriend cures a cold with icecream.."
Shit... Tasha...
LINDA
On Fridays. Natasha always wore black, all black. She said Friday was her favourite day and so she always wore her favourite colour...
Its hard. Even harder cos people expect me to have some answers... And im ashamed that even though me&Tasha spent a lotta time together; though we were really close, i have no idea, no reason why...
Im sorry... 😢
VIVIAN
Its very strange that im writing about this, especially cos i never really knew her. We weren't even in the same class; she was ahead of me. But she was a writer with the school newspaper. There is this event where the oldies take shots at the newbies. It's horrible but fun too. At some point, Natasha picked a waterball and instead of aiming at the newbies, she took a shot at the president. We all stopped but then when he too threw at another oldie, and it turned into a waterfight. It was legendary...
So maybe i may not have a right but Natasha? She dint deserve to die, definately not like this. She deserved better...
JOSHUA
I wish she could see it. The fakeness of it all. The tears that are never really shed. The stupid flowers that people place, the silly articles. God, its all fake. She would have rolled her eyes and laughed in mockery...
Natasha...
I remember how it sounds when she says her name...
If i could, i would go back to when i could have done something about it..
Natasha always sat in front of me during Literature or i just always sat behind her. And so i noticed quite a number of things...
She always talked @ literature class. She loved it. But then she grew quiet, only talking when spoken to.. She had begun to wipe her nose a little too often. She went on too many bathroom breaks...
She had started to wear black all day everyday. And the sweaters, she always covered her arms, even when it got really hot...
This aint no Clay-Hannah shit. I was never in love with Natasha. But i guess you could say she dazzled/intrigued me. She was so smart, she was a bombshell hottie but was super down to earth. So i watched her a lot, probably trying to understand why she was so cool...
And i noticed. Noticed and did nothing about it. Of course i asked a couple questions but maybe i should have done more...
Fuck mehn...
MOMM
My baby...
Drug overdose?
How did it go wrong?
Did i go wrong??
Im sorry if in some kind of way i failed you baby...
I got a lotta things wrong but i loved u darling. I still do. I always will...
Maybe me&ur dadd should have been better parents, we should have cared less bout what society thought and more about you...
Will you forgive us baby??
Forgive me??
Your black sweater still smells like you... i wear it all the time; cos i just need to be close to you. It gets me through the day...
I can't do this Nattie... I need you back...
I can't...
THE PARAMEDIC...
Today, me&Sarah carried this girl from her home who later died. She was lifeless, cold but you could tell she was once a pretty girl. Seeing her made me really sad. And when i told Katie about it, she didn't say anything but i knew what she was thinking. That girl could have been anyone, could have even been our daughter... Could have been our Isabelle...
& The thought of that scares me...
THE GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR
Natasha's death is really shocking. She was not that kinda kid. She didn't look troubled and didnt cause trouble. So i guess you never know right, looks can always be deceiving..
THE DEALER
Oh for fuck sake...
I knew i should never have gotten in with her. She just was really gonna fuck this up. Damn Terry warned me...
I should never have sold anything to her. Now look @ the deep shit im in.. God please, i hope the cops never find out bout what we did...
THE PASTOR
I just got off the phone. We were finalizing the arrangements for Miss.Natasha's burial. They want a closed service. Who wouldn't considering how she died. I've seen her and her parents in church a couple times...
No one really knows if the overdose was an accident or if it was intentional. If it was intentional, it saddens me that she's not gonna find any peace either...
THE BEFORE
NATASHA...
♡I've been having these flashbacks from when i was about 7 or 8 years old; when dad left. I can remember mom and dad fighting a lot, all the time. They screamed at each other and sometimes i would press my hands against my ears just to try to escape it all.
I remember mom crying a lot after dad left and drinking a lil bit more. Nothing disastrous but abnormal all the same. I remember being unable to cry or be sad at home cos well i had to be strong for her...
So maybe, just maybe it explains this deep sadness i feel. Maybe im feeling what i should have felt back then...
♡Today, i went with Jason to get condoms and then i stopped at the ice cream area. All that came to me was that night with Lawrence when i took ice cream after dancing in the rain. I smiled at the memory and i think Jason may have noticed even though he pretended not to. I can tell sometimes that he doesnt know what to do with me.
♡Im not depressed. I read up the signs and im not exhibiting any. Im just sad, just innately sad. That cant be abnormal. I mean even Adele says a little bit of sadness is essential.
😢. Or is mine just too much of it? Lord, please help me...
♡I met this guy and i know what you're gonna say but its the best i've felt in weeks, months even. I know Charlie is dangerous but its just business. I have what he wants and so does he.
♡Im not getting addicted...
There's a perfectly good explanation for it. The stuff just makes me feel better; it takes some of the sadness away and i really need that. You understand me, dont you?
♡I cant stop diary. I just cant..
Tonight, i was with Brie and Lin @ Krizz's and i couldnt concentrate, i felt like i was gonna lose it completely. I ended up running to the bathroom, to get a fix. As i walked out, i stared at the mirror and i didnt recognize the girl that stared back at me...
♡😢😢😢😢
Addict...
That word is branded in my thoughts; i feel like it is written on my forehead as i walk through school.
I want to stop but i just cant.
I need help but who do i ask?
♡God please make me stop.
Please!!! I need to stop; this thing is going to kill me. But i just cant.
I feel myself slipping but i got into a car without brakes, i cant stop...
I have to wear sweaters to hide the needle marks on my arms and also to hide that i've lost a tonne of weight. I told everyone im trying out a new diet. They say it looks good on me; if they only knew...
I think Joshua isnt falling for it. He stares at me a little bit more, like is trying to see through my lies. How did i get here??
♡My favourite quote is by F.Fitzgerald: "... i hope you live a life you're proud of and if you find that you're not, i hope you have the strength to start all over..."
That girl with needles down her veins and powder through her nose; im anything but proud of her. Im disgusted by her; but that girl is me. I do not believe i can start over; im too tired to fight now. You win... Hear that?, you win!!
In another life, i ll do better. But till then, manos al aire..
And a few days later, Natasha's mom will call the paramedics after finding her unconscious in the bathroom and she will be pronounced dead 5 agonizing hours later_ heroin overdose...
On the night before her burial, Natasha's mom will wander into her room to find her favourite dress and there she will find the needles and powder as well as her diary and a poem she left behind:
The struggle
I want it
No i dont
I cant do this
Yes i can; i have to
We need it; we need it now
Come on babies, lets hang on just a lil longer, we can win this...
No!!! Its a battle we've already lost..
Give in..
No!!!
Give in now!!!
N...o..o
Please, dont make me do this..
Please...
And so in tears, she picks the powder and pushes some into her system...
Hahh..
There we go...
You see...
All better..
She lost the battle to demons that she was no match for..
And soon the paramedics will find a body... Powdered, cold, alone and dead...
Her mother will go on to show the diary and poem to Brianna and Jason; to give them the answers they seek. They would read the poem as Natasha is lowered to the ground. Brianna will have Vivian publish it in the school newspaper...
.. for though she may have been unable to save herself, they can only hope her words will be able to stop and save someone...
JASON
Its been days now. 15 days&it's still very hard to believe. I close my eyes and i still see her. I see her everywhere sometimes. Sometimes, i think im going to lose it. Mom & dad think i should talk to someone... Lol, I'm not that gone yet...😢
Maybe i shouldnt have gone out drinking tonight. But God i cant sit still with myself, with my clear mind for a second because she's taken over it.
I remember the last time we were together. It was at my basement. She always loved it there; cos she could play music loud enough without disturbing anyone. She didnt talk much, just kept playing song after song_ SamSmith, Ed Sheeran, Coldplay, Alessia Cara. Not my kind of music but i let her. And when i kissed her, she didnt put up a fight. She just let me. On some level, i knew she was sad but i thought twas one of her moods. She got moody like that sometimes.
Was i too blind to have noticed that she was dealing with some -ish.
How could i have been?
What kind of boyfriend am i?
Sorry, was i?.. 💔
BRIANNA
Natasha!!! 😢😢😢
You & I have been bestfriends since before i can remember. We talked about many things: our 20th birthday, college, graduation, kid names, my pink and your black wedding. But we never talked about death and so right now, im very unsure about what im supposed to be doing.
I look at your mom and i wish i had some answers, just to give her some peace. And God knows i could use some of those answers too.
Tasha i didnt even know you were doing drugs.
What kind of bestfriend am i?
Was i?..
Remember when we were kids Tasha?? On this particular day, i was hiding from everyone cos Finn had died. I got him as a gift from my dad, my own personal gold fish. But he died and i was scared and angry. My parents searched everywhere for me but you knew where to find me. You crawled under that staircase and just sat with me. You told me you were sorry about Finn but the good news is that i still have you and you're not going anywhere. We sat there till it was dark and we got hungry...
So why did you break your promise?? Why did you leave me?? There was still so much we had to do together. How can i do those things without you? There cant be Brie&Tasha without Tasha...
I just can't miss you like this forever.
LAWRENCE
Shit...
Shit..
For fuck sake...
Tasha's dead?!!
Like how the hell did that happen??
Im not even sure how i feel...
I mean its been a few years since we parted ways but we were still kinda cool...
I just cant...
God my favourite memory of her...
We went to see a movie. It started to rain on our way back. We ran and kissed in the rain. @ some point she started to dance in the rain; i just laughed. When we finally made it home, i asked what she wanted. She said "a huge bowl of chocolate icecream". I remember her face, her voice as she said it. I laughed, sat on the couch, drew her close and whispered, "only my girlfriend cures a cold with icecream.."
Shit... Tasha...
LINDA
On Fridays. Natasha always wore black, all black. She said Friday was her favourite day and so she always wore her favourite colour...
Its hard. Even harder cos people expect me to have some answers... And im ashamed that even though me&Tasha spent a lotta time together; though we were really close, i have no idea, no reason why...
Im sorry... 😢
VIVIAN
Its very strange that im writing about this, especially cos i never really knew her. We weren't even in the same class; she was ahead of me. But she was a writer with the school newspaper. There is this event where the oldies take shots at the newbies. It's horrible but fun too. At some point, Natasha picked a waterball and instead of aiming at the newbies, she took a shot at the president. We all stopped but then when he too threw at another oldie, and it turned into a waterfight. It was legendary...
So maybe i may not have a right but Natasha? She dint deserve to die, definately not like this. She deserved better...
JOSHUA
I wish she could see it. The fakeness of it all. The tears that are never really shed. The stupid flowers that people place, the silly articles. God, its all fake. She would have rolled her eyes and laughed in mockery...
Natasha...
I remember how it sounds when she says her name...
If i could, i would go back to when i could have done something about it..
Natasha always sat in front of me during Literature or i just always sat behind her. And so i noticed quite a number of things...
She always talked @ literature class. She loved it. But then she grew quiet, only talking when spoken to.. She had begun to wipe her nose a little too often. She went on too many bathroom breaks...
She had started to wear black all day everyday. And the sweaters, she always covered her arms, even when it got really hot...
This aint no Clay-Hannah shit. I was never in love with Natasha. But i guess you could say she dazzled/intrigued me. She was so smart, she was a bombshell hottie but was super down to earth. So i watched her a lot, probably trying to understand why she was so cool...
And i noticed. Noticed and did nothing about it. Of course i asked a couple questions but maybe i should have done more...
Fuck mehn...
MOMM
My baby...
Drug overdose?
How did it go wrong?
Did i go wrong??
Im sorry if in some kind of way i failed you baby...
I got a lotta things wrong but i loved u darling. I still do. I always will...
Maybe me&ur dadd should have been better parents, we should have cared less bout what society thought and more about you...
Will you forgive us baby??
Forgive me??
Your black sweater still smells like you... i wear it all the time; cos i just need to be close to you. It gets me through the day...
I can't do this Nattie... I need you back...
I can't...
THE PARAMEDIC...
Today, me&Sarah carried this girl from her home who later died. She was lifeless, cold but you could tell she was once a pretty girl. Seeing her made me really sad. And when i told Katie about it, she didn't say anything but i knew what she was thinking. That girl could have been anyone, could have even been our daughter... Could have been our Isabelle...
& The thought of that scares me...
THE GUIDANCE COUNSELLOR
Natasha's death is really shocking. She was not that kinda kid. She didn't look troubled and didnt cause trouble. So i guess you never know right, looks can always be deceiving..
THE DEALER
Oh for fuck sake...
I knew i should never have gotten in with her. She just was really gonna fuck this up. Damn Terry warned me...
I should never have sold anything to her. Now look @ the deep shit im in.. God please, i hope the cops never find out bout what we did...
THE PASTOR
I just got off the phone. We were finalizing the arrangements for Miss.Natasha's burial. They want a closed service. Who wouldn't considering how she died. I've seen her and her parents in church a couple times...
No one really knows if the overdose was an accident or if it was intentional. If it was intentional, it saddens me that she's not gonna find any peace either...
THE BEFORE
NATASHA...
♡I've been having these flashbacks from when i was about 7 or 8 years old; when dad left. I can remember mom and dad fighting a lot, all the time. They screamed at each other and sometimes i would press my hands against my ears just to try to escape it all.
I remember mom crying a lot after dad left and drinking a lil bit more. Nothing disastrous but abnormal all the same. I remember being unable to cry or be sad at home cos well i had to be strong for her...
So maybe, just maybe it explains this deep sadness i feel. Maybe im feeling what i should have felt back then...
♡Today, i went with Jason to get condoms and then i stopped at the ice cream area. All that came to me was that night with Lawrence when i took ice cream after dancing in the rain. I smiled at the memory and i think Jason may have noticed even though he pretended not to. I can tell sometimes that he doesnt know what to do with me.
♡Im not depressed. I read up the signs and im not exhibiting any. Im just sad, just innately sad. That cant be abnormal. I mean even Adele says a little bit of sadness is essential.
😢. Or is mine just too much of it? Lord, please help me...
♡I met this guy and i know what you're gonna say but its the best i've felt in weeks, months even. I know Charlie is dangerous but its just business. I have what he wants and so does he.
♡Im not getting addicted...
There's a perfectly good explanation for it. The stuff just makes me feel better; it takes some of the sadness away and i really need that. You understand me, dont you?
♡I cant stop diary. I just cant..
Tonight, i was with Brie and Lin @ Krizz's and i couldnt concentrate, i felt like i was gonna lose it completely. I ended up running to the bathroom, to get a fix. As i walked out, i stared at the mirror and i didnt recognize the girl that stared back at me...
♡😢😢😢😢
Addict...
That word is branded in my thoughts; i feel like it is written on my forehead as i walk through school.
I want to stop but i just cant.
I need help but who do i ask?
♡God please make me stop.
Please!!! I need to stop; this thing is going to kill me. But i just cant.
I feel myself slipping but i got into a car without brakes, i cant stop...
I have to wear sweaters to hide the needle marks on my arms and also to hide that i've lost a tonne of weight. I told everyone im trying out a new diet. They say it looks good on me; if they only knew...
I think Joshua isnt falling for it. He stares at me a little bit more, like is trying to see through my lies. How did i get here??
♡My favourite quote is by F.Fitzgerald: "... i hope you live a life you're proud of and if you find that you're not, i hope you have the strength to start all over..."
That girl with needles down her veins and powder through her nose; im anything but proud of her. Im disgusted by her; but that girl is me. I do not believe i can start over; im too tired to fight now. You win... Hear that?, you win!!
In another life, i ll do better. But till then, manos al aire..
And a few days later, Natasha's mom will call the paramedics after finding her unconscious in the bathroom and she will be pronounced dead 5 agonizing hours later_ heroin overdose...
On the night before her burial, Natasha's mom will wander into her room to find her favourite dress and there she will find the needles and powder as well as her diary and a poem she left behind:
The struggle
I want it
No i dont
I cant do this
Yes i can; i have to
We need it; we need it now
Come on babies, lets hang on just a lil longer, we can win this...
No!!! Its a battle we've already lost..
Give in..
No!!!
Give in now!!!
N...o..o
Please, dont make me do this..
Please...
And so in tears, she picks the powder and pushes some into her system...
Hahh..
There we go...
You see...
All better..
She lost the battle to demons that she was no match for..
And soon the paramedics will find a body... Powdered, cold, alone and dead...
Her mother will go on to show the diary and poem to Brianna and Jason; to give them the answers they seek. They would read the poem as Natasha is lowered to the ground. Brianna will have Vivian publish it in the school newspaper...
.. for though she may have been unable to save herself, they can only hope her words will be able to stop and save someone...
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