THE ART OF CONSOLATION

I did the math again today, it's been 12 weeks, 2 days, 11 hours and 41 minutes since the worst day of my life. I still remember almost every wrong thing that i heard and the ones that were said to me. About 4 days after, i called Femi to vent. Jokingly, i told her that if i ever wrote a book it will be on the Art of consolation because i didn't think people got it right. Of course there's no way my 1st book's gonna be a self-help book. So, we're doing this instead.
    Also, i remember searching everywhere for similar experiences. I needed something to tell me that i wasn't going crazy; that what i was thinking and feeling were normal. I checked for articles, books, songs, anything. I even messaged Najwa Zebian, a writer. She never replied. I liked her less after that. A few books were helpful e.g. Telling Christina Goodbye & Looking for Alaska. But they were fiction and didn't suffice.
   And so, asides correcting our manner of consolation, i'm also documenting my experience, just in case someone needs it.

      ♧ FOR THE GRIEVERS

》》Im not an expert in pain-related subjects. When it happened only the word Hazel Grace used could describe it. UNBEARABLE.

◇ For the first few days i couldn't believe it. I felt like a character in a movie. Like it would end soon. It was like when i cry for a character that dies in a movie but the actor isn't really dead. I kept waiting for him to come and say, "hey i gotcha". It never happened.

  ◇  One of the worst parts was having to continue with school. I didn't care about it anymore. It didn't make sense to be there when i knew he never would. One day i stood in A&E and i just asked myself, "what the hell i'm i doing here?". He'll never know what A&E even looks like. It was horrible. I didn't care about classes or tests or whatever.
However, in a way, i'm thankful for school. Without it, i would probably not have gotten by.

   ◇ For the 1st couple nights i couldn't sleep alone or in the dark. If i slept with the lights on and the lights went out while i was sleeping, i would wake up with this intense fear that something was coming to get me. I was scared that someone was going to come and shoot at my house.
See, i knew it was all up in my head but i couldn't stop it.

 ◇ The mornings were the worst. I would go to bed, blessed with the bliss of forgetting. Then i would wake up, remembering again. And the pain was crushing. Is actually.

  ◇ Another bad part was the expectations. Everyone just expected that after a week or 2, I'll be okay. That i'll be sleeping on my own, laughing, playing, back to normal basically. I hated for people to ask me why i was sad or my eyes teary. It was even better when they assumed being up all night reading was the reason for my puffy face. To meet their expectations, i just lied. I was fine. I slept in my house. I'm not crying anymore. That way everybody was happy.

 ◇ I was glad for one thing though. Nobody ever said they knew how i felt. I probably would have stabbed the person. There was only one person who had the right to say it and she didn't even.

  ◇  Many stupid thoughts crossed my head. I felt i didn't have the right to feel this way, i wasn't family. I felt i was faking the emotion. Maybe i didn't love him that much, i just want the attention. As expected, joining him was one of such thoughts but it was often very transient. I thought about Near death experience like what Lana did to see her parents in Smallville. I begged to see him in my dreams even. I'm still waiting on that.
 
◇  It took me a while to understand that i was upset with God. I didn't really blame Him but i just felt upset especially when i just felt like Why. It never made sense to me. Still doesn't. Sometimes, JoynerLucas' Devil's work would play in my head and i'll have to struggle to not sink into the lyrics of the song.

 
 ◇ I blamed myself at some point. Maybe if i had joined in the church fasting; maybe if i had prayed better; maybe if i had been a better friend...
There was enough blame to go around.

 ◇ Nothing helped. Books didn't really help. Music neither. I didn't delve deep into the poison factory cos i felt if my body reacted the way it did to alcohol, anything further will probably kill me.
       People didn't help much. I don't have a lot of friends. It never mattered then cos i had him. But now. It got very lonely. And then i was either too proud or too ashamed to admit to the few ones around how much i needed them. Sometimes they saw through my veil, other times not.
 
  ◇ It hasn't been all bad. Sometimes there are good days when i laugh and almost forget. There are days i wake up and i don't wanna hear sad songs anymore. Days when i can play songs from his playlist. When i dance and shake bum bum.
There are other days when it feels like there is a cloud of gloom over me. I lay in bed and not want to do any single thing. Not bathe, talk, eat or see anybody. All i want to do is remain in my bed and cry.
  I'm learning to accept the days as the come. To take the happy days and not feel guilty about them. To bask in the sadness that the bad days bring. Cry, get mad, do nothing. Until its happy again.

♧ FOR THE ONES THAT LOVE THE GRIEVERS:

                  It's hard for you guys too, isn't it...
I'll take a page from what someone said. You really can't do anything. It's a very helpless situation.

♤  Don't try to comfort them.
You can't really. You see those pathetic words people say. God knows best. Tears wont bring them back. What has happened has happened. Move on blah blah blah... Those are words you say to someone who just lost a job or got robbed. Not to someone that has just lost a loved one. Its criminal.
The truth is you dont even have to say anything cos no words are accurate enough. You can comfort a person without saying anything.

♤  Be there for them in everyway possible.
Hold them when they cry. Laugh with them when its a happy day. Pray with and for them.
Be their bestfriend, their teddy bears, their pillows; whatever it is they need you to be.
- Ask how they're doing; ask if they have eaten; if they are sleeping well or sleeping at all; if they're having nightmares or panic attacks. Ask about the tiniest of things cos at some point those can get difficult too...

♤ Listen
Let them talk...
Talk about their pain, fears, worries, memories..
Dont worry about saying the right things. You really dont have to say anything. All you might need to do is hold their hands and squeeze or hug em so at least they can know they're not alone.
   You should actually be more worried when they're not talking.

♤ Don't push them...
It's easy to think that you don't want them to be stuck in that phase of pain or whatever. But really pushing them wont get them out of it faster. In my case it just made me lie, so people could leave me alone.
   Actually you should encourage and applaude them on the days they make any form of effort e.g on the days they get out of bed, cook, do school work or whatever.
     It's also important to note that these people are probably going to be hurting forever so it doesnt matter if it's been 10 years, it's still okay for them to be sad or to cry.

♤ It's not about you...
This is actually important because i hear people say dumb stuff like, "i don't know how to comfort people" or "i can't watch em cry" or "i hate feeling so helpless".
  Yeah right but its not about you or how you feel. At this point you have to put your feelings aside and be there for them.
  A picture i saw wrote..
If you have ever lost somebody important to you then you know how it feels; if you've not, you cannot possibly imagine.

♤ Don't let them self-destruct:
It's quite easy to get lost in the spiral of pain and grief. So don't let them lose themselves to grief. Grief was what happened to Van Houten in The fault in our stars, don't let them get there.

Seems like a lot of work uhh! But that's why it's an art. It doesn't come easy but it can be learned.