50 shades of PAIN

2:29 am


"How are you?" O.G asked.

"I'm dying." I replied.

There was a long loud silence over the phone. I wondered where he went. I could imagine the thousands and thousands of thoughts going through my boyfriends head.

"I love you."he said, pained.

A tear-drop escaped my eye.I couldn't find the words to say 'I love you too'. My O.G doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve a sick heart, a sick mind and a sick soul.

"Goodnight." I mumbled through the tears.

The call went on for another twenty minutes. Neither of us said a word. We just cried and sobbed till I heard a loud smash and the call was suddenly disconnected.
That was his phone wasn't it. He could have just given it to me oh, Samsung galaxy S8 like this.

Times like these, my journal gives me strenght. Have you had that feeling where your mind is troubled and you take up your journal and write it all and just like magic the you're fine again? I get it all the time.


October 15th 2015.
On my bed .

Dear Journal,

 I am grateful to have walked this earth.
I have no regrets.
I am thankful for my family and friends
I hope I will be able to watch over them in the afterlife
I am sorry for my sins...
But if I got 17 new years on earth all over again,
I'd make every mistake again
And pray for forgiveness.

If pain was a colour then
I see rainbows everyday.
If pain were an ocean then
I'm at the confluence of
Pacific,Atlantic,Arctic and Indian oceans
If pain were a star then
I'm lost in thousands of galaxies.
I am in so much pain.

When I die,
I don't want to be buried just like that.
I have organs in me I need to stay on this earth
And become what I would have been.
My kidneys,
My liver,
My everything I want them given to the needy.

My heart.
Leave my heart in me.
I'll need it to love my O.G forever.
If Only.
If only I could I'd buy 15 more years
By then all my dreams would come through.

Please, don't turn me into a cadaver.
Don't let me suffer on the dissection table.
I have a feeling I will feel the pain in the afterlife.
I am yet to believe that death is greater than this pain.
I have seen every shade of this pain deep in my chest.

They have given it a new name. Can you imagine that?
 They  call it Angina these days... no longer pain.
I keep telling them...
That I don't feel angina...
I am in pain
That couldn't be a feeling anyway!

I am sick journal dear,
I want to live till I'm 100
I want to see my children with O.G
I want to be evergreen
But I guess he'll have to be with someone new.
I hope she is beautiful and kind
And nothing like me.

But I'm dying dear journal.
I'm going away.
I love you now... I'll love you still.


That was the last time I ever wrote. The rest of my story is like a sailors tale. I still hope my O.G is happy.

I still love him


                           By Tobi

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